Why Letting Go of the “Perfect” Holiday Makes You Happier
Post Thanksgiving, December has always felt like a to-do list with twinkle lights. With every email shouting about another office party, another grab-bag gift and one more “must attend” holiday event.
One year, a regular at a small East Coast restaurant I worked at sat down, stared at the wreath above the bar and quietly admitted he was already dreading Christmas, and that moment made it very clear, that my stressed-out experience was common. Sadly, plenty of people feel crushed managing holiday stress.
In all honesty, most adults you ask will admit that holiday stress has become a regular part of the season, especially those in midlife who are balancing work, grown kids, grandkids and older parents all at the same time.
According to the American Psychological Association, nearly nine in ten adults in a recent survey said the holidays bring stress, and about 41 percent said their stress actually climbs compared with other times of the year.
So the big question has to be, how to reduce stress? These are our top solutions.
Use lists to control spending
Let’s be honest, the drain on bank balances and spike in credit card spending often cause the sharpest jolts of stress, especially for people in their 40s to 60s who are often helping college-age kids, younger grandkids, siblings, and even older relatives all at once.
Lists are what finally helped me, and it’s led me to treat December like any other month in the budget. This means the gifts have to fit the numbers, not the other way around. By this I mean I set a solid spending cap, create a shortened recipient list and a clear “no” to last-minute splurges that are spur of the moment rather than well thought out actions..
Some consumer surveys show how big the problem can get, and Retail Dive reported that a recent LendingTree survey found shoppers who took on holiday debt this past season carried an average balance of about $1,181 once the wrapping paper was gone.
The truth is that, for most extended families, a simple name-draw and a firm dollar limit are kinder than a mountain of presents that nobody can really afford, and even grandkids usually understand when you say you are choosing thoughtful gifts over endless ones.
Embrace scheduling
One of the big things that always drives me insane is how family gatherings can take over your week and space. The issue with family is that your home can be filled with laughter one minute and then prickly comments the next, especially when old arguments keep getting reheated along with the leftovers.
When the American Psychiatric Association asked adults about holiday worries, nearly a third said challenging family dynamics were high on the list, which tells me those knots in your stomach before a big dinner are more common than people admit.
Therefore, instead of aiming for a perfect, tear-free day, schedule a softer plan, like keeping visits shorter, inviting people to help choose the menu or suggesting (planned) a walk after a period stuck inside. This way there’s always an opportunity to calm your blood pressure, rather than having people feeling trapped in a house.
Movement and smart consumption
Believe it or not, movement is one of the simplest tools you have, and the Mayo Clinic notes that regular exercise can boost mood, lower anxiety and help you relax even when life is hectic.
That does not have to mean a full gym workout, because a ten-minute walk around the block with a cousin can be enough to tell your nervous system that it is safe to calm down.
Additionally, remember to snack smart, as diet can make a bigger difference than most of us like to admit. For example, eating cookies to cover boredom or anxiety usually leads to feeling worse later, so snacking on nuts, fruit and a little protein helps you walk into the “big meal” hungry but not starving or bloated.
This also leads to alcohol consumption. Fresh air is better for you than another drink, and Deconstructing Stigma notes that holiday stress can spill into depression, anxiety and substance misuse when people lean too hard on alcohol to cope.
One glass of eggnog or wine to toast the season is fine for many, but stopping before “just one more” protects your mood, your sleep and your conversations the next day is vital.
What if tempers flare anyway?
The reality is that, when family is close and drink is involved, tempers are likely to flare at some point. You might be tempted to jump in and referee every disagreement, but that’s not ideal.
What you want to do is step away for a few minutes and see if it calms down because when one extra person joins in, you’ll find others will step up too and that’s how it quickly escalates.
Additionally, if you’re the one with the flaring temper, the kindest choice you can make is walking away. Whether that means taking the dog outside or slipping into a back room to breathe and reset before you say something you will regret.
Sometimes changing the setting makes all the difference, so if the worst arguments usually happen at your dining table, consider suggesting to your family to eat out at a calm restaurant instead. You’ll find that public settings can nudge everyone toward better manners.
Think big when it comes to traveling
An old friend of mine tried to fly cross-country the afternoon before Christmas with two toddlers, no snacks and a tight layover. She was an organized parent and certain she would somehow stay on time, yet to this day she calls that trip the day she aged ten years.
Travel experts at AAA have warned for years that holiday trips take longer than people expect. Data shows more than 80 million Americans traveling at least 50 miles for festive gatherings alone, which means crowded airports and clogged highways are the rule, not the exception.
Everyone in those lines is tired and trying to get somewhere too, so packing extra toys, chargers, food and patience, and deciding ahead of time to be kind to the gate agent or the driver in front of you, keeps your blood pressure lower even when the schedule goes sideways.
Letting go of the perfect picture
For someone like me who needs to over plan everything, this is the hardest thing on this list to do. However, it’s essential when hosting to get through any event. Simply let go of the “perfect holiday” as it curbs stress massively.
Psychology Today found that many people with existing mental health struggles actually feel worse during this season because the gap between real life and the glossy image can feel so wide.
Maybe this is the year the gingerbread mansion becomes a January project, the seven-course dinner is trimmed to four and the grandkids help wrap gifts with slightly crooked bows, because the point is time together, not a photo that looks like an ad.
Finally, I tell my now-grown kids that no holiday in history has gone perfectly, and as the American Psychological Association put it, it’s completely normal to feel both joy and strain at this time of year. So if you can lower your spending, move your body, soften your expectations and learn to leave the room when blood pressure rises, the season becomes less about pressure and more about moments you will actually want to remember.
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