Infertility Coach

Infertility is a crisis. It leaves no stones unturned and affects all aspects of lives-the physical, emotional, social, marital, financial and familial. It sometimes feels so overwhelming that patients can feel that they have changed. It is a time when people feel disconnected from those they love the most, their family and friends. A time when they pull back form the world and focus inward because isolating themselves can actually feel better than remaining part of the “fertile world”.

It is not as if they want to separate from those around them, in fact, they want to be right in there with them, a part of the fertility club that includes their mother, sister, friends, and even the neighbor’s eighteen year old daughter. But they have no choice. The gap between them and the fertile world widens, at it becomes harder to be around those that disappoint them at every turn with their inaccurate medical advice, offhand remarks, and insensitive responses to their grief. The fertile world’s comments all well intended, serve to increase their already intense feelings of anger, disappointment, sadness and especially envy.

Even the most sensitive people they know probably won’t understand what they are going through. Because fertile people only know about infertility through news and talk shows, which present the condition from a medical point of view. When they make uninformed comments-telling them things will be alright if they just see the right doctor and find the right treatment-they don’t realize that they are adding fuel to an already raging fire.  And whenever their fire is reignited with their questions or unrequested input at family functions, on the phone or even in office hallways, they may feel as if they want to disappear. They beg them, silently to not bring up the dreaded subject, because if someone does and they have to respond, all those horrible feelings of being inadequate an different will rear their ugly heads.

In defense, infertility patients pull the plug on their relationships, leaving them feeling separate and apart. This disconnecting of relationships is like an old fashioned switchboard with all the wires unplugged and left hanging. All the energy that used to run through those wire, all the passion must now go towards combating their infertility. Some people disconnect physically. They don’t go to baby showers or christenings and turn down any invitations that might involve “family talk”. Others disconnect by performing a brilliant emotional disappearing act, becoming numb inside so the pain will not hurt as badly or deeply. And what comes of those friendships and family ties that are so strained during infertility? Luckily, it has been found that most of the time the people infertility patients move away from will “stay on the line” and wait for their return after the crisis of infertility is over. It is an amazing phenomenon which has been seen over and over again. With the arrival of resolution there comes a peace to relationships that at one time seemed damaged beyond repair.

What is the answer for those that are in the midst of this disconnect? Sometimes finding someone who is an objective, caring and understanding person during this time of disconnect might help ease the pain. Having an infertility coach who can help you talk about your feelings, understand the implications of treatment choices and develop different coping skills while you make your way through the crisis can make things just a little bit easier.

We invite you to share your thoughts with one another and our infertility coach, Harriette Rovner-Ferguson, LCSW.

Harriette Rovner Ferguson, LCSW works exclusively with people experiencing infertility and helps them cope with the crisis while they find their way to a satisfying resolution. She is a psychotherapist in private practice in Smithtown, New York and counsels individuals and couples as well as leads support groups. She is the co author of the number one selling book on infertility, Experiencing Infertility, An Essential Resource (WW Norton, 2000).